I have somewhat a pretty good memory.

Especially of what people has said or written. Sometimes they strike me at the moment it was spelt out, causing me to indulge in moments of quiet reflection soon after. Sometimes they come back to me after a while, when the situation fitting the statement arises, it seems.

This is really why no man is an island. Everytime I meet someone, something said or written is bound to leave an impression, that will leave me with much afterthoughts.

It was one of those nights with many thoughts in my head that this line stood out. That in life, we sometimes would really have to find "closures for all our regrets...". I struggled a while to recall who wrote that, and I remembered. =) Thank you.

While it is so simple a line, it is definitely hard to do. And at times, closures aren't always the best way to deal with regrets. They come back, every once in a while. And it's so hard. so so hard, to really put an end to regrets.


As I toyed with that line over and over again in my head, it just brings about streams of regrets. Some I've forgotten, some I've dealt with. Some, I've yet to see the full consequences, are happening now and slowly unfolding along my life journey.

For those dealt with, I'm glad. They have allowed me to move on, and probably even have done better.

For those I've forgotten, I hope they don't come back to haunt me. They say it's never too late to chang anything, but that's not always true; there are just some things that are too late. A remedy is never going to be as good as a cure or prevention.

For those that are happening now, I can only work hard at them, turning regrets into new hopes. I then wondered if Time is on my side, as I seek a closure for all of them. I doubt it, but yet I cannot afford to let them accumulate and get me down.

For all the questions I have no answers too, I hope I seek them out soon. Before I entrap myself.

... is not an oxymoron.

I was flipping through the channels today (and you will realise that cable TV has more to offer than ESPN) and settled down watching an episode of The Simpsons.

So 1990s.

To be exact. Season Number 3, Episode Number 53, Titled "Separate Vocations", First Aired on February 27, 1992.

Hate to admit, but it was half an hour of thought-provoking entertainment.

For non-Simpsons fans, I apologise, but you should at least know the famed animated family. And while it's hard to relate to the episode without having watched it, here's the rough synopsis.

It's an unusual day at Springfield Elementary School, as the teachers administer the all-important Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), which will determine what is the ideal occupation for each student, after the test goes through this agency that says "Deciding your Destiny since 1928" *laughs*. Both Lisa Simpson and Bart are quite taken aback when they get their results -- scholarly Lisa, who has ambitions of a career as a jazz musician, is told she's best off becoming a housewife, while underachieving hellion Bart gets word he'd make a fine police officer. After Lisa's music teacher tells her that her stubby fingers would make a career as a musician unlikely, she develops a bad attitude and starts handing out with a gang of chain-smoking fifth-grade delinquents. Bart, on the other hand, becomes a hall monitor and discovers he enjoys being the long arm of the law (authority). But both Bart and Lisa have to take a long look at their recent behavior when the special teachers' editions of all the school's textbooks go missing -- and Bart discovers his sister is the culprit and takes the rap, winds up with six hundred days in detention, and returns to his life as a bad student and detention regular.

I was sniggering out the idea of this big government agency deciding the fate of its citizens. Like "Hey Kenneth, from the aptitude test, I think you were meant to be a boring Professor stuck in NUS, making new students yawn everyday." Big conspiracy theory. Whatever happened to "freedom of choice" and "everyone is unique"?

And you know. What happens if somewhere along your life, someone told you that your life is never going to turn out like your dreams? If someone took away your dreams and turn it into an illusion? How would one react? What would one do? Accept, adapt and be defeated? Fight and pave dreams?

Plus, despite The Simpsons being so insane, they have some pretty good quotable quotes. And if you look at the funny ones in agood light, they actually make hell a lot of sense.

Check these out:

Lisa on her life. Sadly inspiring. The meaning of dreams?
"Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided."

Edna, the school teacher, on the aptitude test.
"Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!"

Almost-Sweet brotherly ending.
Lisa: "Bart, why did you take the blame?"
Bart: "Because I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money."

*****

More Trivial Stuff.

1) Do you know that very attractive men and women earn at least 5% more per hour than people with average looks?

2) Plain women earn 5% less than women with average looks, and plain men earn 10% less than average men.

3) Most employers pay overweight women 20% less an hour than women of average weight, while men who are slightly overweight earn 26% more than their underweight co-workers.

4) Of men with vurtually identical resume, the taller man will be hired about 72% of the time.

Now you know what to do.

*****

It is strangely inspiring, the episode I mean. That despite life being realistically unfair, we should know that we have the will and ability to go as far as we want.

And when you do, tell me. I'll be there to borrow money.

I think it poured last Friday.

Nevertheless, it was one of those days in which the snails come out from the grassy areas to prevent being flooded out (I think).

Somehow, I spent a good half an hour observing one of them, wondering why it is so far out from the grassy area, a good 3 feet from the green border, putting itself highly at risk with the stampedes of unwatching giants and two-wheeled tanks.

I was quietly amazed, at how this creature survived in this evolutionary world. So vulnerable with its (lack of) speed. And its shell isn't really exactly that hard against the falling skies of rubber soles, painfully witnessed from its many crushed compatriots along the pavement.

As I stood wishing under my breath that it would quickly crawl back into the safe green zone, it really started to move! Edging towards the straight border of the cold hard pavement, leaving behind a slimy trail. So slow that it was almost unnoticeable, but the square cement tiles helped. And I wondered if it ever felt it was slow; because I was getting so worried myself that it might not make it back in time before another bicycle comes along into its path.

Slowly, but surely, it was heading in the right direction.

But to my horror a few moments later (ie 10 minutes, but a few moments from the snail's perspective), it started to turn 90 degrees, putting itself on a very much longer route towards home after travelling about 1 feet from the original position.

I panicked.

And felt so helpless.

Could I help by using a leaf to poke it back into the correct direction? Or even let it crawl onto the leaf and bring it to safety? I was even contemplating just grabbing it and putting it back into the grass.

My eyes were transfixed on the snail. And to my relief, it started to turn another 45 degress back to a diagonal route towards home. Nature works in such marvellous ways.

I had to leave after the 30 minute drama, and hope that it gets home safely.

Goal in mind. Passion in heart. Surely, even if slowly, you'll get there.

After a blissful week of slacking after my last paper ended, I just knew reality would hit in soon. After all, a fantastically rosy picture of the world never really existed.

Now as I continue to float along the path of academia, I could no longer pretend to ignore the looming mist ahead one year from now. Of not just simply a career choice, but really what I want of my life from that point on.

As I think about my goals, passions and what the world has in store for me, I start to wonder if really, there was going to be a demand for Econs graduates. Was I going to study so hard for a subject I like for nothing? Is the degree going to be an end-all of my education?

No internship as of today. All the interviews. All the effort. I think reality has a way of putting me down into my self-pity state. Am I really that undesired by the working world out there?

It's just strings and strings of incoherent thoughts striking my mind.

Was I going to regret not taking up triple science in JC? Or double maths? Or Law in NUS? Or even Business? So that my choices are more limited. And decent. And more wanted.

What choices lie ahead for me? So far, all it seems are being an insurance agent or even MLM business. Am I going to study so hard at a degree for that? Will I be happy doing sales? Is it really for me? Possibly losing friends?

Further my studies and be a prof? And then what, teach?

Work in a MNC/ bank/ whatever, get stuck at some executive post with a decent fixed income and watch all the scholars climb ahead?

Maybe I was brought up in an environment that tells me that life holds so much for me. And now I start to doubt, and start to lose that confidence. Maybe I really wasn't as good as I make myself out to be after all.

And what do I want out of life. Lots and lots of money? Job satisfaction in something I like to do that doesn't involve haunting people like an irritant? All I know is, I want to making an honest, decent living. Stress is fine, but something that I must be able to do with pride and not something that will keep me up all night worrying if I've made the right choice.

I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. Argh.

- Jason Mraz