I realised I haven't used the term "stoning" for a long while, as if it has vanish with time, along with some memories of days when I was 16 or so. Maybe that era has floated by us softly, in its misty and blurry partches.

I think it referred to a state of mind - one of inertia, of staring into blank spaces, of shutting down the engine of mind's works and just be in a state of being. At times it might comprise of deep ponders, at others it could just be nothingness.

But I could be not entirely right. After all, that word belonged to my generation, not me alone.

I stoned again today, after gym, outside the male restroom, watching the rain fall down hard. Haven't felt that blissful contentment in a while, and maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I forgot to bring my handphone out, taking away that possibility of toying with the phone in times of boredness. I was me again, 16, detached, and stoning.

Remembered again how I used to go on long hikes to remote, scenic parts of Singapore, to my favourite hidden spots, up Chestnut Drive by the reservior, top of Ubin, and many others discovered from my many years of scouting and hiking. Places I used to go and stone alone, the journey through forests and muddy patches all worthwhile. Spots I found the balance and made peace with myself.

The opportunities to go on such pilgrimages lessen as years flash by, and so did the times I could really stone and find myself.

I was never a very comunicative person; I seldom share my problems, prefering to keep them to myself. I think it to be my upbringing, with parents trusting me a lot to run my own life, I try not to burden them with my problems. And as time goes by, it just become a fact of my life - the oldest boy with 2 sisters, and becoming sensible, upright, down to earth and striving always to take care of myself. I find it hard to share. And my stoning times have proved to be good avenues for sorting out thoughts and problems.

Maybe truly I was happier. Contented. Had dreams. Had ideals.

Took a tumble during JC, and never fully recovered, and if I must say, I haven't found the passion, drive, focus and strength to lift me up to that level before JC again. And for a long time, I convinced myself that I've passed my peak, and could never rise to reach it.

SEP was an escape into a dream of mine, maybe some of you would have already known, a move that hopefully will rise me up again, even if for a temporary delusion. I wanted to know what it feels like to fulfill a dream again, what it feels like to be that person I always wanted to be, but failed.

And it did. On a trip that has me spending time again with the closest of friends since 15, I remembered how life used to be. A new uninhibited environment allowed me to change back to what I used to be, without the need to pleasing other issues and people. I understood what it felt like to learn and do well again, something I thought disappeared after O'Levels. I became confident of myself again, knowing that I am not always worse off than anyone else. I had time to myself to think through and focus. I felt loneliness, but I fought it. I could feel energy pulsating through my body. I even feel younger.

I must admit coming home was not as joyous as I imagined it to be. At times I felt enslaved by time and commitments, restrainted by CORS, drained by the weather. Questioned myself why is it that I can no longer do what I wish to do, study what I want to study. Bolts of frustration made me long for US again, where I am master of myself.

I kept my hair long. Because it reminded me of SEP, and how even my hair seemed to be of better quality. Also because it is what I looked like when I'm 16, all done to give myself the false impression of youth and drive, to not forget what it is like to have that self-belief of excellence, to be like that RI boy again.

The rain stopped pouring and started to drip. The humidity rising from the ground serves to remind me that I'm in Singapore now.

It was good to be abe to stone again, and to reprimand myself for dwelling in the past far too often, and for far too long. It was good whilst it lasted, but it was time to put past glories, dreams and failures behind and look forward. To keep the self-confidence regained during SEP and to build on it.

To find new contentment in new things, and not sought things that used to be.

Out of impulse, I rushed home to the barber and got my hair cut real short. Even though all the new numerous white hair will show beneath the dye I put after I got back - another illusion for me.

As the thick crops of hair fall around me, the SEP chapter is finally closed. As with sweet dreams ending, the tinge of sadness felt is almost immediately replaced by reality. Going back to sleep again will not continue the dream. It is time I face a new chapter.