I should be studying. Have a Level 4000 Econs midterm test first thing tomorrow at 9am.

But nothing is going in anymore, even when I barely started. My brain is almost throbbing against my skull, and my neck felt a soreness from carrying that heavy heated head above it.

I never ever thought I would say this.

But for moments today, I felt like giving up.

For all the hyped-up confidence, extra effort, more time and blind renewed enthusiasm, I started this sem with new-found energy, and even when results seemed to come back always below-par, I tackled it with the mentality that I can bounce back with better scores from assignments/ tutorials next time.

I was positive, that I'm not any more stupid than the next guy in class.

And now I'm no longer that sure. Everyone seems so smart. For all that extra time devoted to studying, I still don't get what is going on in modules at times, especially my two Level 4000 modules. For all the pride I put in to doing assignments all by myself, I did it to the best of my abilities, my B+ seems awkwardly insignificant to the guy who copies his assignments and gets away with an A all the time. As all these little percentages add up to the final score, I come to realise that my standards for myself are too stringent for this unfair world.

I grew weary, as efforts do not reap results. But of course I know it happens. With a bad test and 2 bad assignments coming back at me today, fueled with memories of past assignments, I felt dejected. In our educational system that gives no room for mistakes, I suspect that I'll fall short this sem.

Tiredness grew, confidence plunged and disappointment with the education increased. Maybe I wasn't meant to be such a good academic that I sometimes imagined myself to be, and should start to give up the pretense.

All said, I hope it's just a case of me out-pacing myself.

# rambled by Kenneth @ 9:11 PM