How's that for an attention grabbing blog entry title? *laughs*

But strangely enough, as a msn nick, it has triggered many an interesting chat.

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r]-[ : how true, depression is the embodiment of beauty itself
r]-[ : tragedies sell
K: why not? =)
K: people love a bad story or two
r]-[ : people who are depressed like to see tragedies that are worse than their own so they can tell themself, ok, its not that bad after all
K: OR
K: people like to think that their depression stems from the worst thing ever, like "no, you can't be any worse than me"
K: even in tragedies, people like to claim first

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K: people like being depressed sometimes, oddly
J: makes us appreciate the good times more I guess... and depression allows us some time for ourselves... to reflect... to mope and to refocus I guess =)
K: sometimes it pays to be a little heartless
K: the fainter at heart always lose out anyway
J: =) so how do I move on without moving on?
J: it's when you have time to yourself that it gets really quite miserable. and you don't really want to articulate it cos you don't really feel others are too bothered about what they see is a pretty much a natural occurence
J: and ya... by convention you're just expected to move on... some how...

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I guess in an odd way, depression is attractive because it brings people together in common suffering. People love to be comforted and people love to comfort.

I can probably deal with my own depression periods, but I figured that I'm probably a lousy person to try help deal with another's depression. I've not gone through enough in my life, to be an expert in such dealings, and sometimes, I seemed to make matters worse.

It's like something I've always told my scouts. That if you have never gotten a sprained ankle before, you'll never know how to treat someone or to comfort him with a sprained ankle. Because you never knew that pain.


And sometimes depression comes when you take things too seriously. When you start to feel that nothing you do is ever going to be good enough. When the source of all dissatisfaction is your own self. Depression is also highly contigious, and in high dosage, it can even upset another person.

To the depressed. Have you ever felt dissatisfied about the way you are being consoled? That you actually hoped for someone to do some specific actions? Like to leave you alone or to hold you hands and listen to you etc etc. And do you feel disappointed if the actions weren't as you expected? Like if you say "leave me alone" but actually meant "no, stay with me", and the other person took you literally and left. And just because he/ she listens to you, you get more disgrunted and depressed, and you think no one cares, no one understands.

Good grief, then say what you mean and mean what you say! Take nothing for granted, else you end up hurting another.

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I'm probably starting to get worried and paranoid. With just a month plus a few days more before I fly, my flight is not even confirmed. My accomodations too, at Irvine, is still "pending approval". Yet everything else seems in place, with all my very kind friends helping me out with accomodation and showing me around in their various states, and it's just that my timings are just so unconfirmed.

I hate imposing on my friends, people like Xiaotian, Michael, Dirong and Alex who has been so kind in letting me stay with them or to drive me around (Alex has a new Ford for US$3,600!) while I'm touring before my school starts, but yet I know it is exactly what I'll do for my friends if it was the other way round. But still... you know that sickening feeling.

But yet I'm sitting on it still. Still in a limbo perhaps. Still wondering if leaving was a good idea after all. Still feeling a bit unsupported.

I can't please everyone.
The least I can do is not to let myself down.
Not to let a dream of 6 years just vanish.